It took decades but,
mine almost killed me.
Yay tenacity.
~
"Joe Big-Ass Corporation"
Huawei Nexus 6P
Snapseed
“I live in the Managerial Age, in a world of "Admin." The greatest evil is not now done in those sordid "dens of crime" that Dickens loved to paint. It is not done even in concentration camps and labour camps. In those we see its final result. But it is conceived and ordered (moved, seconded, carried, and minuted) in clean, carpeted, warmed and well-lighted offices, by quiet men with white collars and cut fingernails and smooth-shaven cheeks who do not need to raise their voices. Hence, naturally enough, my symbol for Hell is something like the bureaucracy of a police state or the office of a thoroughly nasty business concern." ~ C.S. Lewis - "The Screwtape Letters" ~ (h/t AOAC) ~ |
"The Words of the Prophet Are Written on Subway Walls"
Canon G7x Mark II
Snapseed
"Danger, when it is always imminent, does harm. It doesn’t need to actually arrive. You exhaust yourself in the act of forever looking over your shoulder. Your body readies itself to fight and never quite discharges that chemical cocktail. You channel it instead into anger and self-pity and anxiety and hopelessness. You divert it into work. But really what you do, with every fibre of your being, is watch. You are incessantly, exhaustingly alert. You don’t dare ever let up, just in case the danger takes advantage of your inattention. I’ve forgotten what it feels like to have space in my brain for anything other than watching. " This paragraph by Katherine May captures what working in Tech was like for me. She pegs it to a "T" - hyper-vigilance. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. YES. YES. I know, goddammit. I was fortunate to be able to make money with my limited skill set. I get that. However, comma - Tech work wasn't for fucking free, and extracted a dear tax on whatever middling benefits it begrudgingly bestowed. ~ |
“Love blurs your vision; but after it recedes, you can see more clearly than ever. It’s like the tide going out, revealing whatever’s been thrown away and sunk: broken bottles, old gloves, rusting pop cans, nibbled fishbodies, bones. This is the kind of thing you see if you sit in the darkness with open eyes, not knowing the future.” ~ Margaret Atwood ~ When I took that little 12-15 hour a week job at a speerchul center, I let love for the organization's purported mission blur my vision and blunt my discernment. After a few weeks, the tide went out (so to speak) laying bare all the problems (covered in prior posts) that led me to leave them. I felt like a such naive goof for a while afterwards. "So gullible - even at your age..." I scolded myself. It was like that Jackson Browne lyric:
I still want to work part-time, for the money and for the engagement. Next time, it won't be about love, though.. ~ |
"Honest Job Description"
Nikon D7200
Nikkor 35.0mm /f1.8 Lens
Snapseed
Lightroom
I know. I know. I know.
The tech jobs provided for the family.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
YES.
Thank God they're in the rear view.
Thank fucking Christ.
"Ungrateful" I hear you say.
"Whiner" from a family member.
And yet - none of you
Were there in the
meat grinder
with me.
~
The evening after my resignation, one of my bosses called me up and asked if I would like to stay on as a contractor helping to get "our technical ducks in a row", whatever that meant.. He also offered a couple more variations on that theme. At the end of his pitch he said "And you know, if you choose to move on instead of continuing to work here, there's no shame in that.." What the what? Shame? Whatever could have given him the idea that what I was doing - leaving - was shameful, or that I thought what I was doing was shameful? So odd. There's a few reasons that come to mind as to why he could have brought up shame: 1.) He honestly thought I was ashamed of cutting the cord, and in his own ham-handed way was 'forgiving' me for my transgression. 2.) He was attempting to shame me into staying... (Not a good move - I am unshameable). 3.) He was pissed and was trying to provoke me with a jab cloaked in generosity.. Anyway - ick.. ~ |
"Restrained Chaos"
Nikon D800
Nikkor 70.0mm - 300.0mm
Lightroom
Snapseed
The signs of future unhappiness were there to see. I did see them, I simply made the mistake of ignoring what I saw. So many red flags flying.. some of the bigger ones: - The phrase in the job description "service as a practice" - this usually means unpaid work. - The principal interviewer spoke for most of the time during the interview and he spoke mostly about himself and his accomplishments - almost as if he were interviewing. - There was no organizational plan in evidence. "Winging it" was a phrase that was used.. - They hired me without checking my references. This was most surprising and concerning to me because it indicated a lack of thoroughness on their part. In the end, this was an invaluable refresher course about why I should never again ignore the internal bullshit detector in my head that was sounding a klaxon warning and flashing bright red... ~ |
"Put me in coach. I'm ready"
AI-generated image
Snapseed
Being the face of the organization.... That was one of several job requirements left out (either intentionally or by sheer incompetence) of the job description I applied to and the ninety minute 'interview' I attended. Being the face of anything or anyone other than myself is never something I would ever want to do. They shouldn't have wanted it either... at least not until they got to know me.. It blew my mind when they first brought it up. "You fucking don't even know me.." I thought. I mean - Christ - what if they stumbled upon this blog... It's not the sort of thing that spells "Here's our spokesperson!!" Not that I am ashamed of any of it - but it's complicated - and it's a record of things I wrestle with All. The. Time. Perhaps a bit too close to the bone for the type of employer that hired me. Anyway - the whole thing was brought to an expedited and merciful end yesterday.. Onward. ~ |
"Self Portrait"
Canon G7 Mark II
Snapseed
Carbon
Well I'm accustomed to a smooth(er) ride
Or maybe I'm a dog who's lost it's bite
I don't expect to be treated like a fool no more
I don't expect to sleep through the night
Some people say a lie's a lie's a lie
But I say why
Why deny the obvious child?
Why deny the obvious child?
~ Paul Simon - The Obvious Child ~
~
"Blue Dreams"
Canon G7x Mark II
Snapseed
Percolator
Brushstroke
Even at my advanced age, I harbor illusions about "How cool would it be if I could [insert illusion here]." I recently went through a mildly aggravating but very instructive dis-illusioning by landing a 'part time job' at one of those places that I always thought would be cool to work at. Well.. I realized after a few weeks that what the employer wanted was closer to full time than the amount of hours that was stated in the job description. Plus - it turned out that the employer wanted access to my time all week long. Once I figured that out - I requested fixed working hours. That really didn't work out. The organization needed more time (and more job scope) than I agreed to give them when I was hired. So - I resigned. So far - everyone is being civil which is nice. Once again - I'm off-leash and free to go back to my true vocation.. ~ |
"Deep"
Canon G7x Mark II
Snapseed
A Ritual to Read to Each Other If you don't know the kind of person I am and I don't know the kind of person you are a pattern that others made may prevail in the world and following the wrong god home we may miss our star. For there is many a small betrayal in the mind, a shrug that lets the fragile sequence break sending with shouts the horrible errors of childhood storming out to play through the broken dike. And as elephants parade holding each elephant's tail, but if one wanders the circus won't find the park, I call it cruel and maybe the root of all cruelty to know what occurs but not recognize the fact. And so I appeal to a voice, to something shadowy, a remote important region in all who talk: though we could fool each other, we should consider— lest the parade of our mutual life get lost in the dark. For it is important that awake people be awake, or a breaking line may discourage them back to sleep; the signals we give — yes or no, or maybe — should be clear: the darkness around us is deep. ~ William Stafford ~ ~ |
"Head Shot"
Canon G7x Mark II
Snapseed
Brushstrokes
Decim8
The Contrariness of the Mad Farmer I am done with apologies. If contrariness is my inheritance and destiny, so be it. If it is my mission to go in at exits and come out at entrances, so be it. I have planted by the stars in defiance of the experts, and tilled somewhat by incantation and by singing, and reaped, as I knew, by luck and Heaven's favor, in spite of the best advice. If I have been caught so often laughing at funerals, that was because I knew the dead were already slipping away, preparing a comeback, and can I help it? And if at weddings I have gritted and gnashed my teeth, it was because I knew where the bridegroom had sunk his manhood, and knew it would not be resurrected by a piece of cake. ‘Dance,’ they told me, and I stood still, and while they stood quiet in line at the gate of the Kingdom, I danced. ‘Pray,’ they said, and I laughed, covering myself in the earth's brightnesses, and then stole off gray into the midst of a revel, and prayed like an orphan. When they said, ‘I know my Redeemer liveth,’ I told them, ‘He's dead.’ And when they told me ‘God is dead,’ I answered, ‘He goes fishing every day in the Kentucky River. I see Him often.’ When they asked me would I like to contribute I said no, and when they had collected more than they needed, I gave them as much as I had. When they asked me to join them I wouldn't, and then went off by myself and did more than they would have asked. ‘Well, then,’ they said ‘go and organize the International Brotherhood of Contraries,’ and I said, ‘Did you finish killing everybody who was against peace?’ So be it. Going against men, I have heard at times a deep harmony thrumming in the mixture, and when they ask me what I say I don't know. It is not the only or the easiest way to come to the truth. It is one way. ~ Wendell Berry ~ ~ |
"Sit"
Nikon D800
Nikkor 50.0mm f/1.4 Lens
Lightroom
Silver Efex Pro
...all sorts of bad behaviors crop up on the part
of those in charge. "Work when we want
you to work." (because it's a privilege)
Do X, Y, and Z which are not in
your job description (because it's a
privilege) - and on and on
and on and on and on.
~
If your boss ever tells you that
it is a privilege to work
where you are working, run
as fast and as far away as
you can. Save yourself.
Just sayin'
~
"Madonna Queen of the Universe Shrine - East Boston"
Nikon D90
Nikkor 18.0mm - 105mm Lens
Lightroom
Recently I was contacted by a Canadian web development firm which is: ...currently developing interactive exhibits for the View Boston Observatory that will officially be opened to the public in Spring 2023, at the top floor of Prudential Center where approximately 3,000 visitors are expected to visit daily. They were interested in using two of my images of the Madonna Queen of the Universe Shrine in East Boston. Pretty cool that these images will be seen by so many.. On top of that - this is a paying gig. At the risk of being immodest and a braggart, I must tell you that I made several dozens of dollars from these two pics - enough to keep Ralphie in gas for a few more of our expeditions and/or add to my collection of micro-fiber long-sleeve SPF-50 pullover shirts. In any case - I've broken into the Big Leagues now and will be (even more) insufferable from here on out, so buckle up. |
Madonna Queen of the Universe Shrine - East Boston"
Nikon D90
Nikkor 18.0mm - 105mm Lens
Lightroom
~
"Artist's Studio - Rocky Neck Gloucester"
Canon G7x Mark II
Miniature Mode
SnapSeed
I love artist studios, and daydreaming about what it would have been like to be a big "A" artist. I love seeing all the different setups and colors and works in progress. Most times, I do this window shopping when the studio is closed (of course - because - introvert). I wipe down a window pane and press my camera against the glass to get the shot.. ~ |
"Joe Big-Ass Corporation In Winter"
Huawei Nexus 6P
SnapSeed
Put a man in the wrong atmosphere and nothing will function as it should. He will seem unhealthy in every part. Put him back into his proper element and everything will blossom and look healthy. But if he is not in his right element, what then? Well, then he just has to make the best of appearing before the world as a cripple. ~ Ludwig Wittgenstein ~ (Quote: Alive On All Channels) ~ |
"Cypher"
Nikon D90
Nikkor 18.0-105.0mm Lens
Lightroom
A lot of people ask me what I do with my time since I've retired. In response, I find myself concocting a list of activities that will sound substantial enough to validate my continued existence. After all - in The Empire - if you're not "working" you're nothing, a cypher, suspect, possibly even one of those shiftless "takers." Tiresome. I mean - I worked professionally for nearly forty years in an industry I had Absolutely.No.Interest in. The only thing that kept me going was money for the family & me and the stories people told me about their lives. That's long enough right? I think the Cistercian monk Thomas Merton was on point when he said/wrote: What I do is live. How I pray is breathe. What I wear is pants. Maybe a t-shirt is in order.... Or some 'non-business' cards.... ~ |
"Sometimes A Great Notion"
Canon G7x Mark II
Snapseed
If you're around long enough, you'll see everything come on by once again. What was out of fashion is suddenly and urgently TheMostImportantThingInTheWorld. It makes for, if not outright hilarity, then at least a few snorting belly laughs.. Such is the case with the current enthusiasm for "Made In America" that is sweeping the Empire. ~ |